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90 is as good a number as any, so I'll try and do the thread-of-threads thing.

Here are the personal "my story" kind of posts.

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Hi! Here's a new . 😊

This is an account for my authentic self, which I've spent most of my life repressing. No more!

I'm currently at a stage of dismantling the old husk of a pretended self, trying to reassemble the lumps of actual personality spilling out of it.

I will post on anything, but much will be about , or me having and being baby . I am still reclaiming philosophy from my old self.

Please write if you feel like it! I'm very likely to appreciate it. ❤️🎶

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cw:s, follow req:s, boundaries 

A few things:

* I want a home feed with content I like. Got a follow request? That's why.

* Please cw anything to do with wounds, body horror, feelings of having wasted your life, victim blaming or transphobia.

* Some images trigger gender dysphoria, but it's unpredictable, so I'll manage it myself.

* Don't be lewd directly at me.

* Flirting is ok—unless it's actually romantic. I'm a very tricky person. Also, probably gay.

* All are welcome, even the cis. 😁

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Oh, and by the way that's Lisen Jasmine!

Since these are Swedish names, the pronounciation is [ˈliːsɛn] and [ʝasˈmiːn]. Saying [jas-] or even [ɕas-] is fine too, but please don't [ɧasˈmiːn] me, or I *will* proceed to be a baby about it. 😒

Or you can just say Ina ['iːna]. 😁

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Here are some influences on me making . Some of these I've studied to an immense degree, others not so at all, but they all made enough of an impression that it comes through in my music.

🔹 Maria Schneider
🔸 Lyle Mays
🔹 Django Bates
🔸 Carla Bley (in a roundabout way)
🔹 Akiko Yano
🔸 Joe Hisaichi
🔹 Paul Bley
🔸 Steve Reich
🔹 Christian Wallumrød
🔸 sasakure.UK (since just recently)
🔹 Richard Bona
🔸 Jenny Willén

There are more, but hopefully I got all the big ones.

Seems like I'm on a bit of a break from this place.

Visiting my mother's again, and decided to do another round of improvisations. Here's one.

I did some rudimentary (i.e. poor) mixing on my phone this time.

Mind you, this is some quite uncensored playing. It's over a decade since I stopped playing (and completely at that) and I've hardly picked it up again. It is what it is. 😊

elections, bad 

So it's taken me until today to get to where it's no longer all I can do, to hold back the urge to just delete everything, dissociate and repress myself, and move back into the closet forever.

I'm still not sure how to go forward, but at least I'm not panicking. (What finally helped was going for an excessive run, followed by talking to my incurably optimistic sister.)

I guess step one is stocking up on backup hrt. A year's worth should be enough. Then we'll see.

(4/4)

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elections, bad 

So threats and angry insults in the bright of day aren't new. Being labeled in ableist, misogynist and homophobic terms have been a part of green politics for as long as I've been active.

But the intensity is new. Like how on election night, a fascist party supporter tried to crash the local green party private get-together in my previous city to "put them in their place", shouting about how "Jimmie [the party leader] will now finally clean this place up like Hitler did".

(3/4)

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elections, bad 

People I know from my previous life as politically active have been spit on and screamed at in the streets for being greens.

There's been a concerted hate campaign for the last 4+ years against the Green party, conducted by the fascist party, their supporting traditional right-wing parties, the nuclear power lobby and others, with quite a few credible reports of russian ties and funding. It's a big reason to why I quit politics before starting my transition.

(2/4)

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elections, bad 

It's been clear since election night that the nazi-founded TAN party (traditionalist/authoritarian/nationalist) has grown into the second largest, and it currently looks like they will be very influential on the governments politics going forward.

But what scares me more right now are all the reports of their politicians and voters becoming bolder and truly showing face. One politician did a nazi salute on television. Another celebrated with neonazi wordplay.

(1/4)

svpol, depressing 

Election day in Sweden. Two blocs of equal size have formed in the polls, one centered around the social democrats that would kind of keep the status quo, and another one around the racist neo-fascists party founded by uniformed Nazis just 30 years ago.

Yeah, I'm not looking forward to this.

transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

Oh, I forgot. My body smells so much better now. I've held off drawing conclusions on this since it's hard to be sure. But it's clear now.

I always hated my smell. When I was a smoker, I would even prefer to expose people to that horrific stench rather than my own.

And now, I'm constantly surrounded by this lovely scent. I thought it was the laundry detergent at first—but it's me! I smell nice now.

This was always a great source of social anxiety. I could cry.

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transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

I'm making the box bigger and I'm working on feeling okay outside of it. But it takes time. I have to convince the parts of me that own the box, that I'm not in that kind of a danger.

I'm a big, powerful adult now, and even if being visibly trans is sometimes dangerous, it's still a fact that the people I'm mostly worrying about and limiting myself because of, they aren't dangerous.

So I'm my own jailor. And It's time I listened to myself, and let myself out now.

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transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

Outside the box, I'm drastically different. I think I still fulfil the criteria for selective mutism (which I've just recently realised had a large part in me failing university back in my late 20's).

If I do things or am perceived in a way that's outside of the box, the whole house of cards immediately collapses. I switch from a slight tendency for people-pleasing (fawn response) to a strong, involuntarily urge to stay quiet and run away to hide (flight/freeze).

➡️

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transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

There's like this rigid box, which defines the limits for what I can do and how I can be perceived. I am constantly checking that I am within the box.

Inside it, I've worked up a great amount of confidence over the years. Everyone thinks I'm this unwavering, rational, mature, calm and stable person. (More than once and quite unflatteringly described as a Yoda figure.)

I'm very secure in that character.

The problem is, that's my deadname character. It was an act.

➡️

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transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

I mean, I understand myself as lucky if a lot of things happen quickly. It's exactly what I want. I've been in kind of a crisis mode since early this year due to getting started so late in life. I'm not complaining and I actually want absolutely everything immediately.

But I still have so much mental health work to do. Psychologically I'm way more convoluted than almost anyone I know, including most trans people in comparable places in their transitions.

➡️

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transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

That last thing is a bit disconcerting tbh. I'm hurrying as much as I can, which means that how long it takes before changes from HRT become obvious to others, is what decides how long I have to "get well enough" mentally too handle it.

And I'm fine with whatever changes may happen—even big things—except visibly having breasts, wearing bras etc. That's still too much. If it doesn't slow down, I'll have to rethink things a bit.

➡️

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transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

🔸The whole facial hair situation is continuing to change. My perma-shadow is unexpectedly less prominent now.
🔸Constant sensations from the breast area—shifting between soreness, pressure and chafing. Surprising growth, like a layer of fat, though still passing as just muscles. My nipples where always visibly poking (yes, constantly, and no, there was never any gynecomastia), but it's beginning to get ridiculous now. Wearing two layers no longer hides them.

➡️

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transfem hrt, after 3 weeks 

Today begins the fourth week. I'm visibly different now, though you'd probably have to be me to notice.

🔸My skin is already lighter. Blood vessels are showing on my lower legs. This is a radical change.
🔸I just checked with some day 0 photos and my arms and hands too are different. They look softer now, with less bulging blood vessels.
🔸The folds above my eyes have lifted a tiny bit. My eyes look subtly more rounded again like when I was 8. You wouldn't notice.

➡️

mh, self therapy talk 

Thinking about whether I should re-immerse myself in the plurality thing again, just for a while and without hyperfocusing.

There are some really confusing states of mind down that road. But working with myself in terms of dissociative parts is the only way I've ever been successful in trying to grok my inherent paradoxes (like, say, being extremely shy but also intimidatingly relaxed and confident).

I should be fine as long as I remember my Self is consistent and strong.

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