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Hi! Here's a new . 😊

This is an account for my authentic self, which I've spent most of my life repressing. No more!

I'm currently at a stage of dismantling the old husk of a pretended self, trying to reassemble the lumps of actual personality spilling out of it.

I will post on anything, but much will be about , or me having and being baby . I am still reclaiming philosophy from my old self.

Please write if you feel like it! I'm very likely to appreciate it. ❤️🎶

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cw:s, follow req:s, boundaries 

A few things:

* I want a home feed with content I like. Got a follow request? That's why.

* Please cw anything to do with wounds, body horror, feelings of having wasted your life, victim blaming or transphobia.

* Some images trigger gender dysphoria, but it's unpredictable, so I'll manage it myself.

* Don't be lewd directly at me.

* Flirting is ok—unless it's actually romantic. I'm a very tricky person. Also, probably gay.

* All are welcome, even the cis. 😁

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Oh, and by the way that's Lisen Jasmine!

Since these are Swedish names, the pronounciation is [ˈliːsɛn] and [ʝasˈmiːn]. Saying [jas-] or even [ɕas-] is fine too, but please don't [ɧasˈmiːn] me, or I *will* proceed to be a baby about it. 😒

Or you can just say Ina ['iːna]. 😁

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Here are some influences on me making . Some of these I've studied to an immense degree, others not so at all, but they all made enough of an impression that it comes through in my music.

🔹 Maria Schneider
🔸 Lyle Mays
🔹 Django Bates
🔸 Carla Bley (in a roundabout way)
🔹 Akiko Yano
🔸 Joe Hisaichi
🔹 Paul Bley
🔸 Steve Reich
🔹 Christian Wallumrød
🔸 sasakure.UK (since just recently)
🔹 Richard Bona
🔸 Jenny Willén

There are more, but hopefully I got all the big ones.

The bell sound is a singing bowl, also free from Pianobook:

I put the Smooth Operator plugin on the reverb buss, sidechained from the celesta, so that the reverb is ducking the frequencies I'm playing, at least under 1000Hz.

And I'll have you know I did record like 30–45 minutes of improvisation before I managed to get that take—and then I still had to cut out like 20 seconds from the middle of it. I'm not much of a performer any longer. 🙄 😁

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I'm really enjoying this shimmer reverb thing. Here's a (quite aimless) improvisation on celesta, with 4 channels for the reverb:

1. Main reverb plugin (Exponential Audio's R4)
2. Just the stock reverb to delay/diffuse the signal and add a tail. Sends to 1 and 3.
3. Pitch up 7 semitones, delay, diffuse, add more tail, send to 1 and 4.
4. Pitch up 5 semitones, diffuse/delay/add even more tail, send to 1.

The celesta is free from Pianobook:

recommending proprietary VST:s 

I bought Exponential Audio's Nimbus and R4 reverbs (they are really cheap this week at Plugin Boutique). And FINALLY! Something I can afford but still good enough (for my tastes) to replace Flux's IRCAM Verb, which is just too good to be that expensive. 😕

I love all Flux's plugins but even with the monthly payment subscription model they are too expensive for me now. I need the money to transition. So yay Nimbus and R4! 😛

#trans health care #Sweden 

I'll file that complaint to the board too.

…and then, maybe, I'll try my hand at burning a few bridges making some noise about the whole thing, right before the elections.

Because in reality I've run out of excuses to keep playing by the posh rulebook.

I'm grasping at straws trying to find a reason not to do… you know, when someone makes a convincing case of an injustice you've never heard of, so you're forced to project your bad conscience onto them. That.


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#trans health care #Sweden 

So anyway.

Next is to go through the informed consent process with GenderGP. I've done the waiting so now I'm done waiting. At least I can at least get started with HRT in two or three months time.

As for the rest of the rage against the state, when I have some extra time I'll talk to the Public Insurance Agency's foreign office to learn more about how I'll have to pay for everything myself even after when in 5 years or so it's been decided I shouldn't have to.


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#trans health care #Sweden 

In other words, if I want to go to another public health clinic, I will have to do so on my own, be prioritised lower than patients who live in that region, and afaik also losing my spot in the queue at the one in my home region.

I will have to research it carefully. The wrong choice could mean many years of extra waiting.

She wasn't of much help in deciding. She did however encourage me to file the complaint. I guess that's how they apply political pressure.


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#trans health care #Sweden 

Alright. Spoke to a woman at my regional gender clinic about how the 90 days within which I'm guaranteed a meeting have passed now.

She confirmed that the wait will probably be longer than the 2 years they already gave me. She also said the only consequence of them not having met the 90 days guarantee is that I can now complain to the politically elected board that handles complaints. Afaik they will then ask the clinic why they failed and document the answer.


mood diary 

I'm nervous and reluctant.

I've called this year the turning point of my life and tomorrow is the point it pivots on. (It being on the half-year day is just a coincidence.)

I'm nervous because I don't know how this is going to play out, and reluctant because I'm decidedly going to lose the option of cis passing privilege now, even if it doesn't happen on the spot.

Well, for once that's something worth toughing out.

I will now distract myself by buying reverbs. Yummy yummy reverbs!

Being so short it could actually work as a wackier Windows 10 Mobile-style ringtone. I'm going to try and use it.

Yeah, and since I can't seem to finish anything longer than 90 seconds, maybe I should just embrace the miniature format and make ringtones.

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…but come to think of it, I guess it depends on how you define "quick". That must have been like 6–8 hours of work. Which was unusally little! The virtual drummer I bought a while back (AIR's Strike 2) really speed things up. Now I just design the groove and pull on the knobs a bit to get away from the copy-paste drum loop feel.

Only nerds and robots repeat the same bar twice. 😁

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Here's a quick sketch playing around with this idea. The "home" key is kind of an F# mixolydian, but there's quite a number of excursions into… I think it's D dorian?

After a while with these kind of overloaded modalities, it starts to feel like it doesn't matter what I do. Everything sounds nice.

[reposting as public]

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I remember looking for this "non-colliding collision" as early as upper secondary.

Here's for example a 5/4 or 10/8 vamp I made back then, playing around with the opening notes of Pat Metheny's Bright Size Life.

Bars 3 and 4, the left hand F# is just lowered into an F. And in bars 7, 8 it is held for the whole bar, so there's _almost_ a clash with the chords above it containing either F# or E.

This audibly suggests that sound of three simultaneously sounding chromatically adjacent notes.

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Much of philosophy seems like just people confusing words with whatever they were trying to use those words for.

So a bit superciliously* I try to classify philosophers so: Those who create that mess, those who try to unleash it on the world, and those who has gotten really good at cleaning it up.

I like the last bunch. For me, the biggest gain from philosophy is a strong defense of the questions, rather than the plethora of conflicting answers.

* I'm just translating from Swedish, alright?

Some time ago I had a run-in with another transfem. But with me still closeted and her in a work uniform and not really visibly trans, I couldn't even hint at anything.

I mean, what if I was wrong? Or what if I'd been right? Either way it's a setup for some massive awkwardness.

So I figured I'd prepare extra phone cases as signalling devices. And today they arrived with the mail! One for each level of silliness. 😁

(Haven't yet decided what to do with the little cheesy one on the left.)

ADHD vs The Depleted CMOS Battery, Chapter 87:
There was a power cut. It is still depleted.

Another example of this kind of weaving, this time a lot more easy on the ears, is Django Bates' cover of With a Little Help From My Friends. Especially the second half.

I think what is happening is that we're so used to the original harmonies, that when something else happens, what we hear actually conflicts harmonically with what we were expecting—while literally sounding "clean". So it sort of fulfils the purpose of colliding inputs while still sounding sweet.

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I'm actually not sure if whatever I was looking for is possible. It might have been an artifact of my synesthesia, or what I think is a form of it, where harmony, colour and flavour/shape are linked. In other words, I might have been looking for colliding sensory inputs. And you can't create that with just a piano.

However, adding the dimension of time, it's possible to get glimpses! Just be clever about how you weave your lines into the warp of harmonic progression.

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I guess an extreme form of making what should be clashing notes sound sweet could be like Ben Johnston's string quartets, for example:

But that requires leaving even the chromatic scale behind, entering a world of… relativistic pitch, I guess you could call it? That's not what I wanted, plus it'd be hard to enact on a piano.

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Well, I spent a lot of time in these places harmonically while still on the pianist track. There was something about finding a way to make clashing harmonies sound sweet that I just couldn't stop trying for.

Even though "sweet" might not be the right word for Bley's shenanigans, I admit.

Here's an even older example, where Bizet is (mis)using the minor mode rules to get C#, B# and B sounding at the same time. It works! It's weird.

Ears out at 1:16 in the YT link here:

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…why not? But let's not with Bley's rubato playing, since Copland's is quite similar.

Here's an odd one instead: All the Things You Are from the album Sonny Meets Hawk.

Just having Coleman Hawkins and Sonny Rollins on the same album is… well, fun.

But Bley's piano solo on this track is just something else. It's one of those where you hear it once and WHAT ON EARTH IS HE DOING and you immediately lose a week turning it inside and out. Hearing it I'm still bewildered.

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