With great power, comes great responsibility, which apparently I interpreted as "edit Joe vs. the Volcano into this Conde Nast Traveler article" in 2017.

Forgot they used to be called Jedi *knights.* I much prefer Jedi days.

A fork just fell off our table and poked my corgi in the butt in the funniest way. Where’s my real-life replay button? 😫

@pantone@twitter.com Congrats, @rejectedjokes@twitter.com! 2020's your year for sure!

Still can’t watch this without thinking of @laytham@twitter.com’s raccoons: youtu.be/XJ5UVg0p_zk?t=02m24s

(These are a few of my favorite things)

The tote bag is excellent for buying apples, pineapples, artichokes...other foods with cores. The stickers are good for any and every thing.

“I am great at games!,” I tell myself, as I pack the most horrible things I found in my basement into gift wrap for a white elephant party tonight

I may never be as happy doing ANYTHING as my dog is when we put him on the couch with us. What a good boy.

Me, very sincerely, every December when Spotify gives me my custom playlist: I can’t wait to listen to same 100 songs I listened to all year!

Thank you @RelientK@twitter.com for being my top-streamed Artist of the Decade! Thanks for continuing to put out great songs to listen to on repeat. open.spotify.com/wrapped/4342c

How to become a home inspector: push your current home inspector off the roof.

CHRISTMUSSS is coming, and there’s still time to purchase from my @redbubble@twitter.com store, which includes holiday classic Better Off Dead-inspired “Merci Buckets” and other Christmas miracles/designs. redbubble.com/people/harmonica

Spoiler-free review:
I just came here to have a good time and I’m honestly having such a good time right now.

1870s problems:
ANOTHER meeting that could’ve been a telegram.

Chef tip: use fresh ground pepper to cover up any eggshells you might have dropped in your omelette du (or au) fromage.

I was today years old when I realized 1995's Mr. Bennet is THIS GUY and decided the Chicken Run sequel better just be another P&P:
drunkausten.com/2019/12/02/25-

I missed the first day of @DrunkAusten@twitter.com's 25 Days of Pride & Prejudice challenge but WE CAN CATCH UP: drunkausten.com/2019/12/01/day

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