I've never really gotten into the new DC series of movies; Wonder Woman was... ok? Supes and Batman V Supes weren't fun. Didn't even try Justice League.

Not much to do tonight, so I decided to try watching Aquaman. 20 minutes in, first fight is wrapping up and, well...

DEAR GOD I'M BORED. Also the cinematography is bugging the hell outta me. Also, Momoa doesn't seem to kick as he swims but trails bubbles. I'mma assume he propels himself by super water farts.

...I appreciate that it's a comic book movie.

I appreciate that an underwater civilisation is difficult to represent well.

But I'm at the underwater meeting between black armour shark guy (lol) and green armour seahorse dood (pfft) and the whole thing feels... silly. But not fun, self-aware silly like Ragnarok. Bad, I'm-laughing-and-would-feel-bad-if-the-filmmakers-were-in-the-room silly.

Also, HOLY BADLY WRITTEN EXPOSITION, BATMAN!

Show thread

Alright, more swimming scenes. Not a lot of kicking or movement to make their speedy propulsion look convincing. Plenty of bubbles from nowhere tho.

Yup. Aquaman and his buddies are shooting forward on salty sea farts.

Show thread

Sod this. I'm getting booze and watching the rest of this drunk.

Oh look... the evil sea king in the shiny gold suit has an exaggerated... "cod"...piece.

Don't know is name. I'mma call him fishdick.

Show thread

Ooh, Waterboy and King Fishdick are having the obligatory deathmatch because of course they are.

Big stadium with the audience heckling in a painfully plot-relevant manner. Apparently jellyfish are fans of dumb death matches, there's a few in the audience.

I'M NOT DRUNK ENOUGH, THAT DRUMMING OCTOPUS WOULD BE 500% MORE AWESOME IF I WAS DRUNK. But seriously, so close to lava? That thing is boiled calamari :<

Show thread

Also, how does the physics work in this world? At one point they're neutrally buoyant, floating, (even in armour), then they're falling like they would through air.

Also water doesn't conduct heat and lava doesn't cool but flows in glowing red rivers (so the water in this stadium should be cooking the audience and turbulent) and... and...

AND THINGS DON'T WORK THAT WAY.

Yes, yes, comic book movie, but dammit, made up worlds still need rules.

I'mma have more booze. Not drunk enough yet.

Show thread

Oop, King Fishdick broke Waterboy's long hard stick but got blown away by a bubble.

...now it's techno underwater tron.

...I'mma get more booze.

Show thread
Follow

For the last five minutes I've ...not shouted, but thought very very loud and hard at the screen (ma's asleep in the next room). All some variation of

"OH COME ON!!1!"

This movie just feels so... paint-by-numbers. It subverts tropes by leaning harder into other tropes, while thinking it's smart. All with cgi /design that feels... silly.

*sigh* time for more booze.

· · Web · 1 · 1 · 0

Suddenly the salty sea fart movie is Indiana Jones.

Waterboy is about to find the MacGuffin.

Scratch that, only a cryptic clue to the MacGuffin.

This all feels like a string of Skyrim quests.

Sweet jesus, I'm only halfway through -_-

Show thread

AAAAH. SUDDEN FISH MAN. Talking to King Fishdick. Who's holding his trident so it looks like devil horns because EVIL.

I WANT TO SLAP THIS CINEMATOGRAPHER. OR DIRECTOR. OR BOTH. WITH A SLIGHTLY SPOILED HADDOCK.

Show thread

GO GO POWER RANGEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!!

Seriously, don't jumpscare a villain into a scene and have him look like THIS.

I'mma laugh at you. And your design. And you should feel bad.

Show thread

AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA... oh sweet christ, this fight scene. I don't care how good the fight choreography is or isn't. The villain design is the silliest I've seen in AAAAAAAAAAGES and he's trying SO SO hard to sound tough.

But he's a ROCKET POWERED BUG. With giant red LASER EYES.

Who calls himself BLACK MANTA.

COME ON.

Show thread

Is there any connective tissue in this movie or did the producers just dream up a bunch of (what they hoped were) cool-looking moments and staple it together with tired tropes?

Because it feels like a bunch of attempted cool ideas stapled together with tired tropes.

Tribal-tattooed drummer octopus was cool though. I'll give 'em that.

Show thread

I'm mostly drunk.

And I just predicted half the dialogue of a scene before it was said. Word. For. Freakin'. Word.

THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.

Show thread

I'm gonna admit it. The toothy fish monster things swarming as Waterboy and Ginger Princess dive into the trench?

That looks cool, and the music backs it up.

...occasionally, it looks cool. There's some shitty cuts. But there's moments, where it's like that moment in the recent-ish godzilla where the skydivers fall through the clouds trailing flares and tense slightly operatic music builds in the background.

...I get the feeling the director saw godzilla and said "Do that."

Show thread

SUDDEN DINOSAURS. The movie has SUDDEN. DAMN. DINOSAURS.

Because why TF not?

This movie will break your damn neck, it swings so hard from one thing to the next.

Show thread

Waterboys mom lives on dinosaur... place. Shows up in weird, toothy armour with her face covered. She's been alive all along! Living in this strange, lush, hidden land! "Tell me about your father!"

Gettin' real strong How To Train Your Dragon 2 vibes right now.

Seriously, did the director just point at other movies and say "do that"?

I'm too drunk for this shit.

Show thread

Keep looking at Princess Love Interest.

Bright (bad cosplay wig) red hair, skin-tight green bodysuit.

She looks like a christmas tree. Everytime I look at her my drunk brain screams "CHRISTMAS TREE".

Show thread

Is the seaworm thing talking?

IS THE SEAWORM THING TALKING?

It jsuts said "so be it". In a cliche'd evil guardian rasp.

THIS MOVIE... OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD ONE. HOW IS THIS THE GOOD ONE?

Show thread

HE HAS THE MAC-GUFFIN. IT'S GLOOOOOOWING. IT WINT INTO HIS BRAIN AND NOW THERE'S GLOWING FISH THINGS SHOOTING ON THE SCREEN IN HIS BRAIN.

WHAT.

WHUT.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Kudos to Nicoke Kidman. She said the "one true king" line without laughing. Also, Waterboy has the silly orange armour now.

Wheeee~~~

Show thread

@MJBlacke
Best movie review i ever read.
Moooreeee......
😂😂😂😂😂

Sign in to participate in the conversation
Mastodon.ART

Mastodon.ART — Your friendly creative home on the Fediverse! Interact with friends and discover new ones, all on a platform that is community-owned and ad-free. Admin: @Curator. Moderators: @EmergencyBattle, @ScribbleAddict, @TapiocaPearl, @Otherbuttons, @katwylder