I've never really gotten into the new DC series of movies; Wonder Woman was... ok? Supes and Batman V Supes weren't fun. Didn't even try Justice League.
Not much to do tonight, so I decided to try watching Aquaman. 20 minutes in, first fight is wrapping up and, well...
DEAR GOD I'M BORED. Also the cinematography is bugging the hell outta me. Also, Momoa doesn't seem to kick as he swims but trails bubbles. I'mma assume he propels himself by super water farts.
...I appreciate that it's a comic book movie.
I appreciate that an underwater civilisation is difficult to represent well.
But I'm at the underwater meeting between black armour shark guy (lol) and green armour seahorse dood (pfft) and the whole thing feels... silly. But not fun, self-aware silly like Ragnarok. Bad, I'm-laughing-and-would-feel-bad-if-the-filmmakers-were-in-the-room silly.
Also, HOLY BADLY WRITTEN EXPOSITION, BATMAN!
Ooh, Waterboy and King Fishdick are having the obligatory deathmatch because of course they are.
Big stadium with the audience heckling in a painfully plot-relevant manner. Apparently jellyfish are fans of dumb death matches, there's a few in the audience.
I'M NOT DRUNK ENOUGH, THAT DRUMMING OCTOPUS WOULD BE 500% MORE AWESOME IF I WAS DRUNK. But seriously, so close to lava? That thing is boiled calamari :<
Oop, King Fishdick broke Waterboy's long hard stick but got blown away by a bubble.
...now it's techno underwater tron.
...I'mma get more booze.
For the last five minutes I've ...not shouted, but thought very very loud and hard at the screen (ma's asleep in the next room). All some variation of
"OH COME ON!!1!"
This movie just feels so... paint-by-numbers. It subverts tropes by leaning harder into other tropes, while thinking it's smart. All with cgi /design that feels... silly.
*sigh* time for more booze.
AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA... oh sweet christ, this fight scene. I don't care how good the fight choreography is or isn't. The villain design is the silliest I've seen in AAAAAAAAAAGES and he's trying SO SO hard to sound tough.
But he's a ROCKET POWERED BUG. With giant red LASER EYES.
Who calls himself BLACK MANTA.
Is there any connective tissue in this movie or did the producers just dream up a bunch of (what they hoped were) cool-looking moments and staple it together with tired tropes?
Because it feels like a bunch of attempted cool ideas stapled together with tired tropes.
Tribal-tattooed drummer octopus was cool though. I'll give 'em that.
I'm gonna admit it. The toothy fish monster things swarming as Waterboy and Ginger Princess dive into the trench?
That looks cool, and the music backs it up.
...occasionally, it looks cool. There's some shitty cuts. But there's moments, where it's like that moment in the recent-ish godzilla where the skydivers fall through the clouds trailing flares and tense slightly operatic music builds in the background.
...I get the feeling the director saw godzilla and said "Do that."
SUDDEN DINOSAURS. The #SaltySeaFarts movie has SUDDEN. DAMN. DINOSAURS.
Because why TF not?
This movie will break your damn neck, it swings so hard from one thing to the next.
Waterboys mom lives on dinosaur... place. Shows up in weird, toothy armour with her face covered. She's been alive all along! Living in this strange, lush, hidden land! "Tell me about your father!"
Gettin' real strong How To Train Your Dragon 2 vibes right now.
Seriously, did the director just point at other movies and say "do that"?
I'm too drunk for this shit.
Keep looking at Princess Love Interest.
Bright (bad cosplay wig) red hair, skin-tight green bodysuit.
She looks like a christmas tree. Everytime I look at her my drunk brain screams "CHRISTMAS TREE".
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